'Tis the Season

In my usual Bah-Humbug fashion, I thought I'd share my little office story...

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!

We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.


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FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange. No gift exchange allowed now since the Union officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet; pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets; Gays are allowed to sit with each other; Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men; each will have their own table Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too. They scream when you slice them.

I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!

Hope you all have a rotten holiday ! Drink, drive, and die!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

True Friendship

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask..."because you are my friend"
10. Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
    

Halloween Safety

Halloween is rapidly approaching. Make sure to follow these safety guidelines...

• When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to
  see if it's really dead. RUN and don't look back!
• NEVER read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
• Do NOT search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
• If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which
  they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of
  grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several
  rounds to kill them, so be prepared. (This also applies to kids who
  speak with somebody else's voice.)
• When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go it alone.
• As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
• Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would
  apply to any other house of the dead as well.
• If you're searching for something that caused a loud noise and find
  out that it's just the cat, GET THE HECK OUT!
• If appliances start operating by them selves, do not check for
  short circuits; RUN out of the house! (again, DON'T look back)
• Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
  
• If you find a town that looks deserted, there's probably a good
  reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
• Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you
  know what you're doing. And even if you're sure you know what you're
  doing, just don't fool with it!
• If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall
  down at least twice. DON'T panic. Despite the fact that you are
  running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving
  fast enough to catch up with you.
• If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
  behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
  increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
  
• Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are
  listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in
  trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any
  small town in Maine.
• If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to
  the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that
  it is strange because you thought you had half of a tank, shoot
  yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be
  eaten.
• If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the
  time to move in with the in-laws. This applies to houses that had
  previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some horrible
  fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your
  house.
• Immediately drop off any hitchhikers who seem to know details
  about your life, or appear blurry.
• Don't just eat garlic, wear it.
• Once you have killed something that was trying to attack you, it
  is best to render it incapable of reanimation by mutilating it. Trust
  me, the extra time for decapitation is well spent, and separate key
  parts as best you can (head, arms, etc...).

Jello Car

Every so often somebody releases a cool and fun game to play that blows the mind. Take a look at JelloCar. It's a little bit like linerider, but with much more sophisticated "jello" physics. Imagine if the whole world was made of jello. Now, try navigating a Jello car through a Jello maze of contraptions. Sounds fun AND yummy!

Better download this game quick before the lawyers come and force them to change the name to GelatinCar.

Blame it on the bacteria

A recent study links one's craving for daily chocolate with a type of bacteria living in people's digestive system. The funniest thing about the study was that it was delayed because it took a year to find 11 men who don't eat chocolate. What they left out was that they couldn't find 11 women who don't eat chocolate, period.

I hope, and pray, that they discover the bacteria the makes me crave beer ! I hate feeling responsible for my actions.

It's only a matter of time before the chocolate conglomerates start sneaking the "chocolate bacteria" into our regular food or water supply to increase the demand for chocolate.

Well-Packed

Can you guess what is packed in this box?



Click on miniature picture below to see answer.

Mmm...Forbidden Donut

7-11's transformation into the Kwiki Marts from the Simpsons is one of the best marketing programs ever! I simply had to try one of their raspberry donuts. It's really just a standard glazed donut with pink icing and colorful sprinkles, but it tasted great. I'm gonna try a Squishee (Slurpee) next. It is too bad that I don't live close to one of the few 7/11's that have been COMPLETELY transformed into Kwiki Marts.

I think 7/11 should seriously consider permanently changing their name to Kwiki Mart, or risk the possibility that some other competitor might purchase the rights.

Road Rage

The other day I see a car with these bumper stickers:

"I'm on my way to work...please kill me."
"Go F*%K Yourself!"

All I can say is, don't cut this guy off!

Poker Wisdom

Lately I have been learning how to become a better poker player. As I learn more about the game, I realize that there is a lot of wisdom about life that can be learned from playing poker...

1) In the long run, good decisions pay-off - In poker, everybody experiences "bad beats" where they make the best play but still lose when the other player beats the odds with a lucky hand. Likewise, even the worst players win a hand with lucky cards every now and then. But, by studying your options and making the best possible choices, you will ultimately beat the variance of random results on any individual hand to come out ahead at the end of the game/tournament.

Life works the same way. There are random bad turns, and random windfalls. However, people who make the best decisions, with the information they have, will have the best chance at success.

2) You can't be afraid to take a chance - In poker, a "tight" player is one who rarely plays a hand. This type of player, who is afraid to take risks, may avoid busting-out (losing) quickly, but at the same time, their chip stack never grows and they are often beaten by players who play more aggressively.

You should try to not be a "tight" person when it comes to life. If you are afraid of taking any risks at all, you will never grow. Opportunities will pass you by.

Laser Magic

This is the best example of what you get when you combine lasers and magic that I have ever seen...

iMania

After naming my cybertwin "iBri" as a way to poke fun at the trend of putting "i" in front anything, I began to wonder how viral this behavior was. I can't believe how many (and what types of) businesses actually think this is a good idea.

These are not spoofs or jokes:

iHerb - Where else are you going to get your herbs online?

iLaser - need some LASIK surgery?

iDog/iCat/iFish/iPenguin- you can purchase these things on Amazon

iFood - I have no idea what this site offers. Interestingly enough, it's not food

iLove - Another one that is not what you think it is. Guess and click. You were wrong.

iBoatStore - I passed up on BoatStore.com because iBoatStore.com has to better!

iBabe - Of course. Not Safe for Work.

All I can say is, iGiveUp.

Introducing...iBri®

Following in the footsteps of Apple and Google, I've decided to establish a hip new presence on the internet...iBri®. It's simple. It's sleek. It's the killer app. It can store your phone#'s, contacts and mp3's. It'll even toast your muffin.

OK, really it's just me on the other side of MSN Messenger. But I am available 24/7. I suppose I could look up phone#'s and sing songs for you if you ask nicely. I've cleverly used an image to display my MSN ID so spammers can't steal it too easily:



For the astute, you may have noticed this is also my CyberTwin's ID. You caught me. I won't really be available 24/7, sometimes my robot will answer for me. But you won't know which. Could be me, could be my robot. The classic Turing test.

Enjoy.

Pearl Jam Lyrics

One of my favorite songs by Pearl Jam is Yellow Ledbetter. The most frustrating thing about this song, though, is that it is impossible to make out the lyrics. Well, thankfully, this video clears up any confusion. Or maybe not. It's hilarious either way.



Potato wave! I love it.

Chat with Brian 24/7

You can now chat with a virtual me (CyBri) at any time of the day, thanks to the good folks at MyCyberTwin. I spent hours answering personality questions that will supposedly make the experience just like chatting with me. I do not control what it says, so I can't be responsible if it is blunt, cruel, or sarcastic. I did mention that it is programmed to have some of my personality?

If the flash version below doesn't work for you, try this link.

Update: You can also chat with CyBri using MSN messenger (ColumbiaGuy70 @ ....); you can guess the rest of the address or ask me.

Dwight Loves Battlestar Galactica

Our Horses Are Smarter Than Yours

Apparently, we have super smart horses here in Virginia.

Turing Test Failed

I've been "kicking the tires" on Microsoft Windows Vista's new features. One new feature is integrated voice recognition. I went through the initial tutorial training and two additional training sessions, where the computer monitors you reading sentences while it learns to understand your voice.

Then, I opened up WordPad and I said:

This is neat [period] I am talking to my computer [comma] and it is putting my words on the screen [period] I find this easier than typing it myself [period] [new line]

To be or not to be [comma] that is the question [period]

The computer interpreted that to be:

This city's needs there is clear is I am talking too much and years, ended this killing my words on the screen after the rave by finest easier for landscaping yet myself your ears no land who live

After read or not TV, that is the questions the eighth and

I suppose next time I should try it without eating crackers at the same time.

Trouble on the Block

This past weekend there was a house fire on the end of the block. The house is ruined. Fortunately, everybody got out safely.



It is a miracle that the fire did not spread to the neighboring houses. I guess those firewalls actually work.

---------
update:

And, of course, I should give credit to the brave firefighters who responded quickly (thanks to the commenter for reminding me).

Somebody posted a video of the fire:

The NASA Soap Opera - My View

It seems like the media can't say enough about the tragic situation involving the rogue NASA astronaut, Lisa Nowak, who was recently charged for attempted murder and inappropriate use of diapers.

Most people may find this situation wacky or amusing. But in my case, I am quite angry and disappointed. The reason I am upset is that I was turned down by NASA to be an astronaut. I am one of the many thousands of applicants to receive the generic rejection post-card decide to pursue other opportunities. As an engineer with an advanced degree in electro-optics, I thought I could make an excellent mission/payload specialist. It's hard to believe that I had less of the "right stuff" than Lisa Nowak.

There is something to learn from all this, in the end. And that is, maybe wearing a diaper on long trips (or at footbal games) is the way to go.

My New Year's Resolution

This year I made only one New Year's Resolution: I resolve to have an interesting year.

I decided not to bother with the standard resolutions (lose weight, get in shape, train magic level to 45 in Runescape) because we all know that it would be pointless. There is no sense in making a resolution you are never going to keep. That just leads to guilt, and who needs that?

I haven't completely figured out what I am going to do to make this an interesting year, but I have a plethora of ideas. Here are a few...

• Try some new activities. I am off to a good start because I tried geocaching for the first time.
• Try something I would "normally never do". This is tough, to go against your conventional wisdom, but it can be really rewarding.
• Travel (preferably somewhere I've never been). Don't know where yet...
• Meet new people / Make new friends. Try to make at least one new connection a month.
• Be more colorful expressing myself. For starters, I am going to start using my favorite words more often (see bottom right of this blog).

Have any other good suggestions?