McCain vs. Obama

Dang, wish I saw this BEFORE the election. It might have changed my vote.

Light Doodling

Here is my first attempt at light doodling. These pictures were taken with long exposure in a dark room with a pen light and a laser pointer.

I Need a Nemesis

Last year, I made a New Year's resolution to make life more interesting. I wish I had thought of this idea that somebody posted on Craig's list:


Nemesis required. 6-month project with possibility to extend

I've been trying to think of ways to spice up my life. I'm 35 years old, happily married with two kids and I have a good job in insurance. But somethings missing. I feel like I'm old before my time. I need to inject some excitement into my daily routine through my arm before its too late. I need a challenge, something to get the adrenaline pumping again. An addiction would be nice, but, in short, I need a nemesis. I'm willing to pay $350 up front for you services as an arch enemy over the next six months. Nothing crazy. Steal my parking space, knock my coffee over, trip me when Im running to catch the BART and occasionaly whisper in my ear, "Ahha, we meet again". That kind of thing. Just keep me on my toes. Complacency will be the death of me. You need to have an evil streak and be blessed with innate guile and cunning. You should also be adept at inconsicuous pursuit. Evil laugh preferred. Send me a photo and a brief explanation why you would be a good nemesis.

Bullshit Bingo

Every now and then I find it difficult to stay awake during a meeting or a presentation. Staring at Powerpoint slides for hours on end can make me narcoleptic. I've tried all kinds of things to stay awake, and nothing works. But this might... Bullshit Bingo. Search the web for this term and you will find a plethora of variants. The basic game is simple, cross off boxes when you hear somebody use the phrase and try to get bingo. Here is a common BS Bingo Card:

Out-of-the-box	Win-Win	Action Item	At the End of the Day	(Take) Offline
Opportunity Cost	Paradigm	In a Nutshell	Ramp Up	Milestone
Bottom Line	Metrics	No Bull (free square)	Quality	On the Same Page
Red Flag	24/7	Proactive	Critical Path	Deadline
Email	Synergy	State-of-the-Art	High-Level	Traction

The Lottery

Here is a recent conversation I had with somebody about the lottery. Let's arbitrarily call this person "Patti".

Patti: I won $7 on the lottery! If only I could build on this!

Brian: If you put that $7 in a good fund with 10% returns for 25 years, it will be worth $85!

Patti: Nah, I think I'll buy more lottery tix with it.

"Lottery games should not be played for investment purposes."
-- Gotta love this Oregon lottery billboard.

Hello 2008!

It's time to review how my 2007 Resolution went and proclaim new ones for 2008...

My New Year's resolution for 2007 was to have a more interesting year. I broke down the resolution to several approaches...

• Try new activities. I claimed victory right off the bat because I started geocaching for the first time. However, I had 12 whole months to try something else new and I can't think of anything significant to add. Grade: C-
• Try something I would "normally never do". Sadly, I completely neglected this task. Grade: F
• Travel (preferably somewhere I've never been). Instead of going somewhere local for my yearly white water rafting trip, this year I organized a trip to Oregon. This was a fantastic trip! Grade: A
  
• Meet new people / Make new friends. I can't say that I made any new friends, though I did solidify stronger relationships with people I met in 2006. I also re-connected with old friends. I went to a reunion of college/fraternity friends and saw friends I haven't spoken to in many years. Also, thanks to social networking sites, I've "found" other old friends. Grade B+
• Be more colorful expressing myself. Other than this sentence, I've done squadouche. Grade: C
• Overall Grade: C
  

I am not pleased with my success in 2006, but I think my 2008 resolution might help. For 2008, I resolve to reduce input in order to be more productive. I find myself overwhelmed with information and ideas. There are just too many good things out there for you to digest them all. Yet I try, and my "things to do" list keeps getting bigger and bigger. Here are a few ideas about how I will accomplish this:

• Less couch/mouse potato - I plan to spend less time in front of the television/computer.
• Less magazines - My pile of unread magazines is growing rapidly. It's time to cancel some subscriptions.
• RSS is evil - I liked Lifehacker much better when there was only a post or so a day, now there are a gazillion. I have about 20 feeds related to science/engineering, free/open source software, and productivity (ironically) that I just can't keep up with. Some of them have got to go bye-bye.

'Tis the Season

In my usual Bah-Humbug fashion, I thought I'd share my little office story...

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!

We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange. No gift exchange allowed now since the Union officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet; pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets; Gays are allowed to sit with each other; Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men; each will have their own table Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too. They scream when you slice them.

I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!

Hope you all have a rotten holiday ! Drink, drive, and die!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.